In every business there are real experts but only in the horse business is anyone whoever sat on a horse an expert.

If you don’t believe me, stop in any of the hundred or so boarding stables across Long Island and sit and listen while the people tacking or grooming their horses interact.

Scene 1
Any Horse Farm in the middle of Long Island.
Time: 3:45 in the afternoon.
Boarder #1: Let's call him
Mr. All Earz.

Mr. All Earz takes generally 50 or so minutes to tack his horse, Snoopy. The whole time his attention is tuned to the supposedly private conversation of three very, very good friends and riders, Ms. Evie Botties-Friend and her horse Gossip; Ms. Ima Pill and her horse Aim to Kill; and Ms. Iherda Boudit and her horse Rumor.

"Gee Ima,” says Iherda, “Did you hear how Dr. Slaughter tried to ruin Brenda Fenda-Benda’s horse, Krash? He tried to tell her the horse needed to be vaccinated for West Nile. He said it started in Africa. Of course, we all told her not to have it done because we heard in the Chatroom on the internet the other night that that vaccine has been known to cause pregnancies in otherwise sterile geldings.”

“I know it’s true” says Evie Botties-Frend, "because one of the people online said her horse Twinkie had a beautiful foal three months after it got that shot. Do you suppose he got pregnant because of the shot?”

“I looked at her horse,” says Iherda Boudit, "and I can tell you it was definitely not a mare because it had two things hanging down and we all know what they are!”

“Well,” says Ima Pill, “I know everything on the internet is the truth because they also said that Dr. Slaughter is only recommending that shot because he has 50% interest in the company that manufactures it! Can you imagine? He’s slick! He even drives an 8-year-old truck just to fool us!”

“It’s been said,” Iherda Boudit chimes in, “He actually made enough money last year to take a whole three-day vacation! The nerve of him leaving all his devoted clients in the lurch with only Dr. Payne to cover!”

“Dr Payne is a very bad vet because she asked to be paid when she came to see Killer the other night,” says Ima Pill.

“At 4 O’Clock, I saw my poor baby Killer was having a seizure. I was so thoughtful that I waited until 11 pm to call so she could finish her dinner. She nearly killed my horse because it took her almost 20 minutes to get here, and we're only 35 miles away! What if I had a real emergency? My horse could have died from her neglect! I should really sue her for that wrong diagnosis. She said Killer wasn’t having a seizure at all; he was colicking and I shouldn’t have waited that long! Now I know for a fact Killer never lies on the ground with his feet in the air unless it is a seizure of some sort!”

Ima Pill continues in disgust, “Can you imagine her being so rude? I was being so nice, trying to avoid making her come out early. Even though I waited for her to finish her dinner, she charged me all that unnecessary money for an emergency night visit. Then, listen to this one! She got mad at Killer for biting her in the face when she gave him a shot! I told her in no uncertain terms that I never ever 'make' my horse do anything he doesn’t like to do. I always try explaining it to him first and then let him decide. You see, I always give him two bags of carrots first then ask him how he feels about it. I would never, ever put a shank over his nose. You’d think they’d at least teach these people something in vet school.”

“Oh my,” says Iherda Boudit, “I’m sure you are right! Did you know that our blacksmith’s assistant, Peter Hammer, is just as good as any vet? He took a course on White Line Disease. I bet those vets don’t get that kind of advanced training at vet school!”

“In fact," says Evie Bottis-Frend, “We just had a 'tooth fairy’ for Gossip, Bye Ron Cuspid, come and do our horses' teeth. Only $250 and he could tell all those vets a thing or two. He took a course out west and got a certificate stating he is as good as any vet. He was so smart he learned everything about dentistry in only three weeks. Stupid vets take years to get out of school.”

Now in a frenzy of fear, All Earz walks down the aisle and says to the rest of the boarders, "Did you hear? Dr. Payne is mad at Bye Ron Cuspid because he teaches the course at the vet school that is really run by the company that Dr. Slaughter owns (you know, the one that makes that pregnancy drug for all the horses West of the Nile) and I hear they are in a conspiracy to keep us from getting the cure for that White Lions disease. I know it’s been spreading like wildfire from Africa. In fact, I bet Dr. Slaughter brought it back with him from his vacation,” he says with a sneer.

“He told everyone he went to the lake to fish but we all know how he tries to hide what a fortune he makes on us. He probably went to Africa on Safari! Thanks to him, we all have to worry about our horses getting that White Lions Disease now. I bet his company has the vaccine all made up. I bet he’s waiting for the demand to get so high he can charge a lot of money for it! I’m going home right now and getting online to let the world know just what is being done to us."

While All Earz is down talking to the other boarders, his horse Snoopy, left to his own devices for the last hour and a half, turns around to see what the other horses on the crossties are doing, gets tangled up, flips over and opens a 4-inch gash on his face...

Screaming, Al Earz, Ima Pill, Iherda Boudit, and Evie Botties-Frend all come to his rescue. “Call the vet! Call Dr. Slaughter now! Tell him to come right away," cries Ima Pill, “but tell him up front you aren’t paying any emergency fee. It’s still daylight and he has no right to charge an emergency fee at this time of day. If he does, then tell him to come later after supper, like Dr. Payne did so we get our money’s worth!"

“It’s not fair!” says Evie Botties-Frend, “What did he do to deserve all that money? I heard it took him 6 years to finish school and after all that, isn't he still just practicing?"

To be continued